Maya Fit Girl

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Kids Can’t Rule Our Sex Lives August 15, 2011

Filed under: Intimacy,Kids,Parenting,Sex — Maya Fit Girl @ 2:40 pm
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Parents- Do you sometimes feel like your kids have a radar that can sense the moment you and your  partner are about to have a little intimate time? I can remember when my oldest son was about still a tiny little brown sack of curls…without fail, the moment my husband and I were about to spend quality time together he would wake from his sleep and start crying at the top of his lungs.And of course, as first time parents we would run to his aid, only to find that absolutely nothing was wrong.

As he got older, I am inclined to say that his radar became stronger. No matter if he was in the middle of watching Barney, which I so cleverly put on so that hubby and I would have approximately 22 minutes to ‘get things goin’, he would always start banging on the door right when the action was just beginning.

These types of interruptions can be quite disconcerting and a great catalyst to assist in the downfall of what was once an incredibly exciting sex life. “But what can be done?”- you ask. The answer is simple…

Turn your sex life into a covert mission. Turn the act of making love, fornicating, having sex, intercourse into the million dollar booty- pun intended. And you and your partner are now Bonnie and Clyde running from the fuzz, which of course are the kids.

Each time the mission is the same- get the ‘booty’, but the locations may change. The ‘booty’ can be found in your closet, in your bathroom, in your exercise room, in the … wherever your heart desires. Changing locations keep the “fuzz” off track. If you’re always in one place- the bedroom- they always know where to find you. Sometimes, like my children, that gives them an opportunity to case the joint and figure out how to bust through locks almost unobtrusively.

It’s also great to create diversions using unwitting allies, such as Sponge Bob, DJ Lance, or even iCarly. These allies give you at least 22 minutes of lead time on the “fuzz”.

Sometimes they will find you. Sometimes outside of your room, they will have you surrounded. They will be yelling for you to come out with your hands up…or whatever. You must not give in, you must always be ready for the raid. Stay calm. You have the power, you are in control. Quickly yell out your demands- “Go get a snack!” , “Go watch a movie!”, or my fave- the fake out “Go wait in your room/upstairs/with your brother while I take a shower so we can go outside!” Please note, for the last one you must make good on your promise sometime that day.

If you have a  small baby, think of their crying as the security alarm during a bank heist. If you’re in the middle of collecting your “booty” and the alarm goes off, you can either ignore it and move faster or drop everything and run!

Whatever you and your significant other do, don’t let the kids take your intimacy away because once they’re FINALLY out of your house for good, you are only left with each other.


2 Responses to “Kids Can’t Rule Our Sex Lives”

  1. k Says:

    This is cute. My oldest has seen way more than she ever wanted to see busting in on us. She of course is old enough now to know better, and we became much more clever dealing with my son, he will only have one horror story to tell. I would also recommend often being affectionate in front of them. Of course they are grossed out at the site of Daddy giving Mommy a good smack on the butt. But after a while they get used to the interaction and began to understand that is how we bond and it is necessary.

  2. Essential Says:

    Wow, my children have that built in radar as well. My husband tells me those are “my kids”. Lol

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